Barefoot & Breathless

Motherhood vs. Career

Moments I never want to miss!

 

I've had to take a break for awhile, but I'm feelin' the itch to come back to this. I've been so overwhelmed lately as I try to get back into the working world. I'm doing it because I'm antsy being at home everyday, and because we really need the money right now. It is proving to be more difficult (mentally) than I thought, though!

My daughter is a Mama's girl, no question about that! She's not too keen on my leaving her behind whenever I have to go somewhere. It pulls at my heart like you wouldn't believe, and makes me question everything I'm doing. On one hand I am loving my time "out". I'm meeting creative people again. I'm thinking creatively again. I'm adding to my resume. I'm networking and enjoying the socialization. I've been so isolated the last three years. I loved having that time with my daughter, but I'm hungry for adult conversation and creative collaboration!

On the other hand, I know my daughter needing me like this is only temporary... and I hate to rush this time in my life. There are days when I really do feel good being at home, watching the kids, caring for them, making homemade dinners, and gardening....but it gets lonely. It gets old sometimes. I try to appreciate the moments, but they blend together after awhile. If I get a chance to do a job on location for a bit...I seem to be able to appreciate my time with the kids more when I return.

It's all about balance I suppose. I know I need to nurture my own soul while I'm nurturing theirs...otherwise there isn't enough of me to go around. If I don't, resentment sets in and I don't want to ever feel that. It is so difficult to remember to take care of yourself, though, to not overlook your own needs when everyone else's are so pressing.

As I move forward, I'm working hard on not feeling guilty that I'm doing something for ME, even if it is momentarily taking me away from my family. They will benefit from it, too, one day. Not just financially, but emotionally. I won't be so frustrated or stressed out. They won't have to experience me being like that. My kids will have opportunities to bond with other adults (especially my daughter who needs that like you wouldn't believe!), and my husband will have the chance to interact with the kids without having me around as a buffer!

All I know is it takes a lot of courage and self-confidence to put yourself out there after such a long break from the working world. I feel blessed that it is going as well as it has. I feel blessed that I have people in my life who believe in me and support what I'm trying to do, even if it is just a series of small baby steps right now. It all leads into the "big plan" eventually.

Right now I'm looking at two weeks of educational teaching at Discovery World and four possible photography jobs. Each day presents new opportunities, if I keep my eyes open. I'm lucky that I'm finding freelance work right now, so I can continue to make my own schedule around my family life. I'm excited to see where this all goes!

For now, though, I'll just keep moving forward...one day at a time... believing in myself and my abilities, and appreciating the moments I have with my family more in between. 

Taking a Necessary Reprieve

Into the pages of the past I creep, as the present unfurls into uncertain tomorrows.

 

I haven't been around much lately, and it has been for reasons more than just spring cleaning and gardening. I have so much that I wish to do with this blog...with my life even, that doesn't seem to be happening at the moment. I have the best of intentions, but I'm too distraught, too stressed out lately to accomplish much of anything. I need to step back a little. The wonderful thing about this blog is that it will still be here when I'm ready for it, and if I lose interest from readers in the meantime, so be it. I need to take care of this. I need to heal myself. This year is not only about my physical health, but it must also be about my mental health. I must take this time to become the person I once was, and at the moment, even the pressure of posting regularly seems a daunting task. 

 

I have some things that I've been avoiding for the last 5 years...skeletons in my closet, so to speak, that can no longer be avoided. It's time I focus my attention on this. I can't keep ignoring it, or it will continue to consume me and with it all my energy for life. It is affecting my family and my ability to be a good mother. So, I must keep myself away from other distractions for the moment and focus on what needs to be done. If you'd like to hear more about my story and what I will be doing over the next few days, weeks, or months, however long it takes...you can read more on the page I've written: Where Children Shouldn't Be.

 

From time to time I may feel the urge to share something that occurs to me as I go through this process, but I will make no commitment as to when, or even if I will share at this point in time. For now I just have to take things one day at a time. See you again soon, and thanks for understanding,

 

Darcey